I’m intense or so I’ve been told, I had a childhood friend that use to just glare at me until one day I snapped: why are you staring at me. She replied: you’re a lot to absorb. I’m always going, nothing can happen fast enough which sucks for someone with natal Mars in slow ass Taurus. The other day I went to see a psychic life coach when he opened the door to greet me I felt all of my energy rush into his office, he remarked later no one is as fast as you. I once had a therapist that said, “Can you work on feeling 5”, my mother said ha! Work on feeling 9, that’s a start. Everything needs to be immediate and I feel everything intensely.
I thought after my fluffy piece “The 7th house cusp and my search for true love” I would confess I have Sun in the 5th house squaring Pluto in the 8th house. I can’t operate in any other manner than extreme. The Sun is the ego, light, life and Pluto is transformation, dark, death. In hard aspect to one other everything is a matter of life and death and I do mean everything. I’m attempting to become more aware of this, that people do not have this sense of urgency. I’m trying to slow down though quite frankly I don’t think I will ever feel 5. My dear friend and coworker said to me, “You’re so relaxed today I love it”. I had been at work for 17 hours and hadn’t slept; he thought I was relaxed I on the other hand felt as though I was in a medically induced coma. To him I probably seemed “normal” energy wise.
That isn’t the only struggle that goes on with your natal Sun squaring Pluto, the contrast between light and dark that lives inside of me and is often difficult to express. When someone first meets me I’m my Sun in the 5th house, shining and dancing eager to party. On first dates its laughs and giggles and I’m so light bordering on not very intelligent. My friend tells me when I go on dates: Don’t send your representative be yourself. I was also advised once that I have to “show up more” when I date because I often do not let anyone see inside of me. It’s often difficult to express the depth of thought and the 5th house Sun simultaneously. That is a square in astrology: energy that is difficult to manage and release the intense energy. A square is harder than an opposition, oppositions can almost take turns.
I do believe people were meant to be multidimensional, but I also am aware that people are unaware of all that makes them unique. I think people attempt to only own the pretty parts of themselves and gloss over the rest. Sun Square Pluto people such as myself can act as agents to others, calling them on their bullshit, putting them in touch with their entire selves and parts they would rather not acknowledge which doesn’t always make for great conversations at your Fourth of July Barbeque!
As I began to write this I thought of one instance where a male friend-just a friend-was getting into my car and when I turned on the engine I had on the song: Outside by Staind blasting, he was shocked and said I can’t believe you have this on. You get sad? When he asked I was reminded of that persona people meet when they are first introduced to me. I explained to him I love sad songs; Puddle of Mudd, Otis Redding, Fiona Apple, I’m attracted to tragic stories; Edie Sedgwick shit growing up I wanted to be Andrea Evans on One Life To Live, Robin Scorpio on General Hospital made me gag, but that is Pluto dark and edgy.
Most days I’m my Sun in 5th house, I want to have fun more than anything else! If something isn’t fun I really don’t want to take part in it, but there is another part of me that is intense and finds beauty in darkness.
I was speaking with someone the other day and he remarked how we are different with different people. And I said how in relationships I’m often like Paper Mache; I must be operating from the Cancer Sun in 5th house, so easily breakable. I’m stronger single. Something about my Sun Square Pluto is activated when in a relationship and its all or nothing and if I need someone it has to be immediate, I definitely have to be a priority…the number one priority. There is also a desire to control, control the relationship, and control the outcome…that is Pluto. In a woman’s chart if you follow the sun and look at the aspects you will see recurring themes involving men in your life. For instance if a woman has the sun in hard aspect to Uranus they will pick up men that suddenly leave them, the sun in hard aspect to Saturn gives you daddy issues, I have the sun in aspect to Pluto giving me control issues in relationships. I think I may have mastered this, or perhaps am more aware of this after having learned several hard lessons surrounding fate and free will. When something isn’t going my way I quietly whisper to myself: let it go though I think I will always operate with speed, forever need to be a priority and often struggle with the concepts of love and hate, dark and light, highs and lows….Sun square Pluto a life of extremes.