Tomorrow is my birthday truth be told I’m ready for it to be over. I don’t mean this negatively, I’m happy I’m here another year! Still I’m ok with just getting on with it, getting on with life. This is strange because I’m the birthday person; I’m the person that encourages everyone to celebrate each passing year. I’m an astrologer for petes sake! This year is different, this year I’m different. I crave simplicity, stillness, and quiet. This is not to be confused with sadness, I’m not sad at all so perhaps I should’ve made the title of this post: It’s my party and ill ignore it if I want too. Last night I went bowling with a group of people from work. That is what I wanted to do; simple, light no drama. I have spent many birthdays in Las Vegas, I’ve flown to Paris for a weekend and have climbed Chichen itza on whim. This year I’m still. Last year I had all the pomp and circumstance at STK and bottles were ordered, filet mignon was had. But that was last year; this year there was this underlying feeling from others “are you sure you don’t want to do something else”. I didn’t. And when a close friend of mine was a no show like she often is and didn’t bother to call, I was fine with that too to everyones amazement. I feel flat lately. I’m not going to say uninspired because I find inspiration in daily life, but I guess I feel somewhat emotionally vacant. I’m ok with it, I suppose. Other people in my life, uh not so much. For 35 years I was that impulsive person, with a fiery temper that got drunk and danced on table tops but after 2 years of emotional upheaval, I’m trying to embrace my inner calm, after all I prayed for it. I have a strong desire to be alone, to retreat, to climb into my shell. I want to take a break, go bird watching, and simply be silent. I want to make cake pops and feed some hot man grapes while passing thoughts between us telekinetically. Ha I know I don’t want to be drunk, self destructive or living some meaningless existence filled with moments that don’t really matter, spending time just to pass the time with people that don’t matter.
I have been working overnight at work ya know the grave yard shift; everyone is stunned I’m not enraged. I’m really not and I know some people would like to believe I’m secretly angry but they are wrong hence the saying
As Above, So Below
All of outward experiences are directly related to a need from within. I need solitude so this shift works for now. I guess the 2 years prior to this one I needed a transformative experience and some life lessons, so that’s exactly what I received.
There is a reason and a season for everything.
Though I know the delivery sometimes sucks and the reason eludes us.
I recently met a man and sadly he is unavailable. In the past perhaps I would have been upset, I would have thrown a pity party, made some abstract deals with god; like ill trade you 4 sunny days and raise you 1 Gucci bag if I can have that man. My mode now is different; I’m like oh well I guess this isn’t meant to be.
I don’t care to discuss the past, truth be told I never like to discuss the past I know someone that always wants to discuss stuff from 20 years ago. I struggle with the past ya know that’s the nature of cancer, that’s the sun in cancers journey. We carry people and things with us from the past and sometimes we’re held prisoner of it. Not anymore, the past can be 10 years ago, 10 months ago or 10 minutes ago. I possess a strong desire to live in this moment. We have this moment here, you and I just us in the here and now and its really the only moment that counts.
I recently went for an astrology reading, after 2 years of emotional upheaval, I was alarmed by the way I was feeling. Most people go for readings when life is chaotic, I’m accustomed to that, it’s the quiet that scares me. The que sera sera creeps in and worries me. The astrologer informed me my progressed moon is in the balsamic moon state and will remain this way for an entire year. The progressed Balsamic moon is the end of a cycle, the last stage, the emotional retreat and the preparation for the new. My natal moon is in Aries, the 1st in the zodiac, the sign of impulse, immediate gratification and passion; no wonder this is weird. My moon is a warrior, the astrologer said he finds it odd that I’m supposed to be in a state of rest yet he could see in my chart I hardly sleep and have a 100 hobbies (writing, acting, NYU classes, blogging, etc) he said if it weren’t for all these creative outlets he would suggest I see a therapist because people often have difficulty with this progressed phase. The letting go of who you were, the releasing of the past, the stillness, the rest before the progressed new moon hence new beginnings. Today I woke up feeling out of sorts like I hardly recognize myself. Someone asked me what I want to do for my birthday; I said I want to attend a new moon meditation group. That is really what I want to do. After 35 years of insanity I think I deserve that, I think I deserve a little rest, to check out mentally and emotionally a bit. I checked my progressed chart after being a bit weirded out by my own emotional process, what do you know? My moon is in the final degree Cancer. The 29th degree, whats known as the critical degree, when a planet is in the 29th degree of a sign it’s on its way to another sign. My progressed moon will enter Leo on August 7th. When a planet leaves a sign there is a crisis, an ending and a new beginning; this is the moon we are talking about so an emotional crisis indeed. Who knew being calm could be so questionable? I’ll make sure to put on my patient cap author Nancy Anne Hastings writes in her book Time To Remember :when the progressed moon moves from Aries to Leo being they are both fire signs; “you will get through difficult situations with a minimum of emotional upheaval”. Looks like things are going to be calm for awhile, Im just not sure who is having the harder time adjusting; myself or others Here is how to find your progressed moon phase
And here is my other post on progressions: